*Trigger-Happy: ever had a smoky bloody mary? It's like making out with Scarlett Johansson & Eva Mendes at the same time. See for yourself with the Smoking Gun handheld smoker, which infuses virtually anything--cheeses, sauces, shellfish, & yes, cocktails-with smoke flavor. $100 cuisinetechnology.com
*Puff Daddy: hit the electric inflator and in five minutes you can create this nylon palace complete with four rotating chairs with cup holders. In the dictionary next to "gangsta" is the Instant Tailgate Sports Den. And Eazy-E. $500 instanttailgate.com
*Great Ball of Fire: thaw blue fingers, toes, and balls in front of the Gas Can, a 15-pound portable propane fire pit that doubles as a grill. $280 campfireinacan.com
*Whip It Good: let's pretend the only reason you want to serve daiquiris & margaritas is to attract girls. Crush'em up all manlike by revving the Daiquiri Whacker throttles. $279 gasblender.com
*Get Your Kicks: how authentic is your lot game if you can't even score an extra point? Six-foot inflatable goal posts-customizable with 23 teams-solve that problem and are super easy to topple. $40 sportsunlimitedinc.com
*Pride And Toys: you can paint your chest in 40-degree weather. Or you could show your allegiance with this eight piece BBQ tool set, branded with one of 60 school logos. $76 nationaltailgate.com
*One Glove: when tongs are just too complicated, try the Charcoal Companion Pit Mitt, made of a flexible material used in NASCAR suits and heat-resistant to 475 degrees. $16 amazon.com
*Meals On Wheels: Freedom Grill's six-burner FG-900 attaches trailer-style to the back of your car and comes with 30-pound propane tanks. It's an 852-pound beast with ample storage space for meats and beverages. Just like you! $12,900 freedomgrill.com
*Supersize It: bear pong is a Paul Bunyan-size beer pong set featuring buckets, inflatable balls, and bounce shots! Go big or go home. $60 bearpong.com
*Rise Of The Machines: imagimotve custom-builds tricked out trailers & "tailgating systems" that convert the back of your car from "the place where I throw bodies rolled in carpets" to a man-lair-worthy entertainment center. Prices on request, imagimotive.com
*Captain Cook: rather burn charcoal than cash? The Camp Chef Big Gas Grill 3 - featuring detachable legs and a removable barbeque box-offers all the glory of a massive grill with more portability and a lower price. $353, campchef.com
*Manny Pack: if you want to be mobile but fear the cooler will be raided, worry no more. With the Beer Belt, you can strap a six-pack to your waist like a drunken, sausage-breathed Rambo heading into the forest of "Lot D". $22, thebeerbelt.com
IT'S THE WEEKEND - SMILE WHEN YOU CAN, ALL THE TIME, BE HAPPY, HELP OTHERS!